Real Mom Talk: Disconnecting from Technology

Unfortunately, today is not so much of an advice blog, but rather a confession and seeking advice from you. I have a confession to make, I LOVE technology. Big surprise, right? I am, after all, the social media coordinator. I've spent years of my life online in some capacity. I've always had a bit of an issue taking the time to disconnect from the online world and focus on the real world. These tendencies are only amplified by each new digital device that fits in the palm of my hand. The truth is, it's not just the internet that is an issue, it's texting and e-mail too.

It's not just me either, my husband works in technology too, so were both available practically 24/7 and could work any hour of the day that is required. The problem is, we are beginning to see how it is affecting our children. It's not unusual for me to find a child on the computer before 7 a.m. at our house, or to have to threaten discipline to get them to save their video game and shut it off at any given time of day. Video games aren't really my thing, but since my husband grew up with them, it's a passion he loves to share with our children. With technology creeping in to so many areas of our life in recent years, how do we carefully draw the boundary lines? Especially when it affects our parenting and our children's future?

Clearly, if you are a blog subscriber or a Facebook follower, you spend a fair amount of your time online too. When your work revolves around technology, it takes it to a whole new level. My question for you today is, how do you disconnect? Do you set up rules for yourself, like you do with your children? Do you limit how many hours a day you are online? Let's chat honestly about what technology means to us and our children today. What's a healthy medium in 2011?

Real Mom Talk: Online Interactions

I'll admit, I'm a nerd. My background is in communications and journalism, after working in a newsroom, it was hard to become a stay-at-home mom. As a result, during my years as a stay at home mom, I spent a lot of time online - reading, writing and communicating. So when I read Jeff Pearlman's article, "Tracking down my online haters" a few days ago, I went through a series of responses - understanding, surprise and shame.

I understood, because in my years in the newsroom, I learned how differently people behave when they are interacting with a machine versus a person. One of my early jobs was to translate messages from the Op-Ed phone line into "Letters to the Editor." It was eye opening, and not in a good way, to hear the things people say when they are passionate about a subject. It was shocking to see how much uglier it was when they were shielded by anonymity.

I was surprised by the level of hatred towards a sports writer. I've spent years interacting with women, especially pregnant, nursing, sleep-deprived new mamas online. I know how passionate they can be about their parenting beliefs. What surprised me was that this article was about men, exhibiting this extreme passion about sports.

And then I became ashamed. I won't lie, I've been on both sides of the online hate equation. During my more sleep deprived, hormonal, nothing-going-my-way seasons of life my fingers were sharp and quick to lash out at those who didn't agree with me. I've had to make a few online, public apologies before. I've definitely learned those lessons the hard way. It's easy to click 'post', sometimes easier than pushing backspace.

"It's about consequences, and not suffering from any," says Jacqueline Whitmore, an etiquette expert and founder of etiquetteexpert.com. "There are absolutely no repercussions to writing a nasty comment or e-mail, so people feel they can vent at will. They never think that the person receiving the message might be a real human being."

Howard Bryant, an ESPN writer says in the article:

It's the kick-the-dog syndrome. People believe no one's listening; they think we're not people, they think there are these giant monoliths controlling thought. Then when they realize someone is listening, they rediscover their manners.

I have to agree with Bryant's statement. I know when I was at my worst online was when I felt the most powerless in my real life, my babes were little, my house was a wreck and I felt like a failure in multiple areas of my life. I never took the time to really think about how what I wrote would affect the recipient as they read from their screen. I never considered they might have been up all night with a nursing babe, having a rough patch in their marriage or other things not going well in their life. I never paused to think my words might be one more thing on their "crummy day" list. Though it was never my intent, I know that was the end result more than once.

What do you think of Pearlman's article? Have you been on either side of the online hate equation? What is your process before hitting 'post' in response to a touchy subject online?

Real Mom Talk: I'm a good mom

This morning, a stranger told me I was a good mom and it made my day.

Each morning, I wait with my boys for the school bus. Our neighborhood is filled with early morning walkers, most past their parenting years. One of my sons was on the ground investigating something on the sidewalk. A walker approached and I shouted, "MOVE!" The polite walker said, "Oh it's okay." Not wanting to seem an overbearing mom, I replied, "We're trying to teach him awareness of others."

Little did I know that statement would spark a five minute conversation. I discovered my neighbor was a retired 4th grade teacher. In her opinion, awareness of others and basic social skills are just as important as academics. She shared some things she'd encountered in her years in the classroom and reassured me it's never too early to start teaching good manners. Our conversation ended as she said, "You're a good mom. Keep up the good work!" She popped her earbud back in, turned and resumed her power walk.

My neighbor had no idea three days ago, I'd taken my children to the pediatrician with claws for nails and scratch marked arms from a recent brotherly tangle. She couldn't have known my husband found a cup of spoiled milk in my minivan when we swapped cars yesterday. I hope she couldn't see the toys strewn on the floor from our front windows. She had no idea of my recent mom failures.

What she could see was that I was a mom that cared enough for my children to invest in what I believe will make them the best people they can be. My daughter may have wild, uncombed hair in public, but love, manners and concern for others are drilled into my children. That's what is important to our family. That was enough for her to deem me a "good mom".

I feel I have pretty good parenting self-esteem. I work hard not to compare my family too much to other families. I was surprised at how much her simple positive comment reassured and fortified me. It also made me realize I need to be more purposeful in supporting and encouraging other parents as well.

Have you encouraged a good mom or dad lately? Share your story, I need some ideas.

Creating a Yes Environment

We've all heard it. The child yelling "No!" at the top of their lungs. It often seems like that is the first word that children learn to use on a regular basis. I hear it in restaurants, in stores, in church, and at the park. Children love to use that word to separate themselves as individuals.

But it doesn't have to be something you hear day in and day out in your own home, from your own child. By creating a Yes Environment in your home you really can minimize the amount of obstinate No's that you hear.

So what do I mean by a Yes Environment? I mean making your home (because that is the easiest place to start) a place where your child doesn't hear the word No very often. There are two steps to this.

1. You have to make your home a safe, baby and toddler friendly atmosphere. No, you don't have to live in a place that looks like a playpen, but you can minimize the obstacles that make living with your toddler on a day to day basis more work. This is called Baby proofing. How far you have to go with baby proofing depends entirely on your child. Some children seem to never have any interest in what is under the bathroom cabinets and some will be able to scale multiple obstacles, stack boxes into stairs and pick any lock you put in front of them just so they can see what is exactly in the middle of a jumbo roll of toilet paper. I have had a little of each extreme. But those little Search-and-Destroy types are truly exhausting. No matter what baby proofing aids you use you still have to be hyper vigilant about where they are every second. To create your Yes Environment, you want to remove as many reason for saying no as you can, but don't even try to remove all of them. The child does still need to learn that there are just some things that you need to leave alone.

Safety is a important issue and Baby Proofing tools can make it a lot easier to handle. But never trust any gadget or device to keep your child safe from dangerous household chemicals.

Allow your child a few things to "get into" that are not strictly toys. Leave one kitchen cupboard with safe (if a bit messy) kitchen stuff like tupperware and cookie cutters. Hairbrushes are a fun thing for them to explore in the bathroom (and are a good deal more sanitary than the toilet brush!) While you fold laundry allow them to dismantle a nice stack of towels or a basket of socks.

2. Examine the language you use with your child. Save the word No for times that there is no alternative. Redirect your child whenever possible. And when it is not possible to redirect, try other phrases that still mean no.

An example of redirection: You stop by a friend's house for a quick chat and your toddler spots a lovely statue on her coffee table. As you see your toddler heading in that direction with That Gleam in his eye, you get the urge to say No. Instead you say, "Isn't that pretty? Mommy will help you touch it." or "Let's see if we can blow some dust off of this!" (while holding your hands behind your back). Allow a moment or two and then turn the child's attention elsewhere. You have respected your child's interest, but not allowed them to get themselves (or you) into trouble. If you child keeps going back to the statue, you may have to walk them through the process a few more times before either they get tired of it or they need to have the situation altered by either removing them or the item from the room.

Another example: You are at a store and your child sees something they will simply die without. They whine, they plead - in that way only a non-verbal toddler can plead, they just have to have it! "Not this time." is a good one. "I like that too!" "Let's tell daddy about this." or just flat our distraction by showing your child other things or acting silly can work. Or you might just wind up finishing your shopping with a very angry child. "We're not going to get this today." is a simple and direct negative answer that just doesn't include the word No.

There are as many ways to deal with these situations as there are parents. Our goal is to raise our children to be good people who understand that the world will not hand them their every wish on a platter. Sometimes they need a plain old No and sometimes they need a negative answer served up with a healthy helping of compassion.

By watching the words you use and keeping things positive but still firm in their meaning, you can guide your child to a vocabulary that has relatively few No's in it at all.

Now if I could get them to not use the word "MINE!" I would be all set.